I love podcasts (it's my new thing). They keep me company while I make my bed, do the dishes, take out the trash...
You moms with little kids are probably wondering what that means, "keep me company". You have constant company, usually wrapped around your legs, if I remember correctly!
But my babies are not babies any more. They have better things to do than follow me around the house. They actually try to keep out of earshot having realized that if I am working, I will likely find something useful for them to do as well.
Anyway, I love to listen to "The Busy Mom" podcast with Heidi St. John. One that I listened to recently is titled "What Are We Like... when no one else is watching?" It made me think a lot about my self. Am I "set apart"? Can others see that I have Christ's love in me? It gave me a lot of food for thought over the last few weeks. Which is ironic...
Let me set the scene:
We have a young friend of the family (he's 18) bunking at our house many nights. He comes and goes mostly unseen. Sleeps, showers, shaves, and off to work. Usually he is gone by the time anything of any real significance happens around the house. But not this morning.
I was trying to get out of the house by 9:30 for a pedicure birthday date for one of my married daughters. Our friend was, to the best of my knowledge, sound asleep in bed. Paul, my oldest, had gone to work with his dad. Mark was on the couch with his swollen foot propped up (bee sting). So that left James.
In an effort to expedite things, I start barking orders (at James)- "pick up the figs, pick the ripe oranges off the tree, take out the tortoises, clean up the dog doo, start the laundry"!
Twelve year old James was hopping.
Add to that, all this needed to get done so that we could do at least a little school before I leave!
Can you just hear me escalating?
Then. Oh, then. I walk toward our school room to grab our books and park myself near to invalid Mark to do some Spanish review with the boys. I swing open the door and James is.... sitting. Yes, just sitting. Did not ask if he was done, did not check with me to see if there was anything else, just sitting with his iPad in his hand AND the dirty laundry hamper next to the definitely NOT started wash machine.
Oh, my. I let loose.
I quickly gave voice to my indignation and anger with a lengthy diatribe.
I was only stopped mid rant upon realizing that the bathroom fan right next to where I was standing was running.
In a flash, I hear my words through the very real possibility that our guest was on the other side of that very close door. I was embarrassed, mortified, yet mostly convicted.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
I really don't remember the exact words that had been flying so freely out of my mouth, but ugliness became immediately apparent.
I started with back peddling- I told James that I did not mean to snap at him. Then had to change that to "actually, I did mean to, but it is wrong and I am sorry!"
I'm not sure that I have ever experienced the ugliness of my own words in such a profound way. How much more does the idea of what are we like when no one is looking apply to what are we like to our children when no one is looking? Are my kids going to see me as set apart? As walking with God?
I honestly don't know if our house guest did hear me. I don't think it matters. What matters is I did. Thank God I did.
My very forgiving helper from this morning being the awesome uncle that he always is:
You moms with little kids are probably wondering what that means, "keep me company". You have constant company, usually wrapped around your legs, if I remember correctly!
But my babies are not babies any more. They have better things to do than follow me around the house. They actually try to keep out of earshot having realized that if I am working, I will likely find something useful for them to do as well.
Anyway, I love to listen to "The Busy Mom" podcast with Heidi St. John. One that I listened to recently is titled "What Are We Like... when no one else is watching?" It made me think a lot about my self. Am I "set apart"? Can others see that I have Christ's love in me? It gave me a lot of food for thought over the last few weeks. Which is ironic...
Let me set the scene:
We have a young friend of the family (he's 18) bunking at our house many nights. He comes and goes mostly unseen. Sleeps, showers, shaves, and off to work. Usually he is gone by the time anything of any real significance happens around the house. But not this morning.
I was trying to get out of the house by 9:30 for a pedicure birthday date for one of my married daughters. Our friend was, to the best of my knowledge, sound asleep in bed. Paul, my oldest, had gone to work with his dad. Mark was on the couch with his swollen foot propped up (bee sting). So that left James.
In an effort to expedite things, I start barking orders (at James)- "pick up the figs, pick the ripe oranges off the tree, take out the tortoises, clean up the dog doo, start the laundry"!
Twelve year old James was hopping.
Add to that, all this needed to get done so that we could do at least a little school before I leave!
Can you just hear me escalating?
Then. Oh, then. I walk toward our school room to grab our books and park myself near to invalid Mark to do some Spanish review with the boys. I swing open the door and James is.... sitting. Yes, just sitting. Did not ask if he was done, did not check with me to see if there was anything else, just sitting with his iPad in his hand AND the dirty laundry hamper next to the definitely NOT started wash machine.
Oh, my. I let loose.
I quickly gave voice to my indignation and anger with a lengthy diatribe.
I was only stopped mid rant upon realizing that the bathroom fan right next to where I was standing was running.
In a flash, I hear my words through the very real possibility that our guest was on the other side of that very close door. I was embarrassed, mortified, yet mostly convicted.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.
I really don't remember the exact words that had been flying so freely out of my mouth, but ugliness became immediately apparent.
I started with back peddling- I told James that I did not mean to snap at him. Then had to change that to "actually, I did mean to, but it is wrong and I am sorry!"
I'm not sure that I have ever experienced the ugliness of my own words in such a profound way. How much more does the idea of what are we like when no one is looking apply to what are we like to our children when no one is looking? Are my kids going to see me as set apart? As walking with God?
I honestly don't know if our house guest did hear me. I don't think it matters. What matters is I did. Thank God I did.
My very forgiving helper from this morning being the awesome uncle that he always is:
1 comment:
Oh how your honesty rings loud and clear for me. In my weak moments (sometimes more often than not), I find myself doing this exact thing. We are human. We are also called to live as Christians. The important thing is to apologize, just like you did.
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